Seriously Suicide

When I was in 7th grade, I lived in Fort Collins, CO.  One of my research papers for advanced English class had to deal with a difficult subject that teenagers deal with on a daily basis.  My friends chose topics like animal testing for makeup and learning to drive.  I chose the topic of suicide.  Being that this was back before the Age of Information, I dusted off psychology books and encyclopedias in the quiet and oddly dim library of Boltz Middle School.  I took copious notes, and even went to the public library to pour over the tomes inside.

By 7th grade, I had contemplated suicide more than once, and I was curious as to how I could do it without hurting myself.  I didn't actually want to commit suicide, at least I didn't think I did, but there was a certain glamour and morbid curiosity surrounding this enigma.  My report ended up being relatively lighthearted and my conclusion was to not bother with suicide, because, should you fail (and lots of people fail), you will simply be worse off than you were to begin with.  Pills bring about headaches and organ failure, if you don't tie the rope properly and place the knot in the proper position, you will just choke to death, and jumping from an overpass into traffic leaves you with broken bones and pain.

For whatever reason, suicide seems to be my shadow throughout this life that I live.  The very title of my blog, transient empathy, came about because of my career and my Aspie abilities of hyperempathy.  In order to survive a life so full of the grieving of others, I had to learn to let the empathy, the grief, the horrors that I encounter through others, flow through me instead of taking root and flourishing.  I am able to feel when others are bottoming out and hopeless, and in what way.  In this way, I am blessed with the desire to help those who have nothing else and nobody else to turn to.  Unfortunately, I see the black despair in some that lead me to believe that they will eventually take their own lives.

In the early years of the new century, I was working at an emergency clinic in Colorado Springs, CO.  We would have mandatory staff meetings every month, and at one staff meeting, the boss' wife came and did a talk on suicide.  It appears a client of ours had gone home, at the age of only 17 years, and killed himself.  Those who had encountered this young gentleman and his critically injured dog were in shock, and so the boss figured it was in our best interests to have a debriefing and informational meeting on the topic.  I was not one who had met this young man and dog, and so I was left to absorb the shock and grief of those around me.  But I also was able to gain some valuable insight into those who follow through with suicide.

From what I remember, the client in question had just lost his parents in a tragic vehicle accident.  He was living with this grandparents, whom he didn't get along with, and his little dog was his only beloved family member.  The pup had been attacked by a larger dog, and was on the brink of death when it came through the door.  My intrepid coworkers were able to keep the poor thing alive and as comfortable as possible throughout the night, and transferred the pet to the primary care vet in the morning.  Unfortunately, at the primary care vet, the patient gave up the ghost and died shortly after arrival.  There had really been nothing anyone could do, but because my dear coworkers saw that this young man had nothing left, they tried their best.  His grandparents spared no expense, as this dog was the only link their grandson had left to his prior life.  The young man, stricken with grief, abandoned his grandparents at the vet clinic, went home, and promptly shot himself to death.  His grandparents came home not ten minutes later to find him gone.

I have lost people close to me abruptly, and so I can imagine the pain my coworkers must have felt.  Seeing his heartache, meeting him, comforting him, and then knowing he was gone was just too much for some.  The boss' wife mentioned that there had been numerous red flags in this case that alerted her to the possibility of him taking his own life (in retrospect, of course).  First of all, he was male.  Men attempt suicide more frequently than women.  Second, he was a teenager.  we all know how teenage hormones and angst get to us, and how confusing it all can be.  Third, he had just lost his parents to a traumatic event.  And fourth, he lost his one remaining bit of normalcy when his dog passed away.

She then taught us what to look for, and warning signs of clients who may be suicidal.  Being that emergency vets work in a high stress environment, and pets are beloved family members, we tend to encounter more grieving and potentially suicidal people than many other career paths.

The first thing we look at is how the person is acting, and more specifically what they are saying.  Grieving people do not usually say, "I have nothing left to live for" or, "s/he was my only lifeline."  In these cases, we need to go forward and ask if the person has someone who can come and be with them during this troubling time.  People who have a support structure of friends and family do not usually do not attempt suicide.  Contacting a loved one and alerting them to the situation can frequently halt the downward spiral of emotion simply by allowing that person to get a hug, or a conversation, or just companionship.  The age of a person is also a factor.  Younger people tend to attempt suicide more than older people.  And then again, whether there have been other traumatic events in their life.

The biggest thing to remember, however, is that those who are set on committing suicide will do so, no matter what you say or do.  If someone has any doubt that they want to die, you can usually arrange things so that they are talked out of it.  But for those intent on ending their life, they will succeed, and there is nothing that you would have been able to do.  This is what I have to remember.

Last year, I got a facebook message from an acquaintance.  He told me that a friend had been taken to the ER and to pray for her.  It turns out, she had taken her own life and this acquaintance, her best friend, had found her and called 911.  I had just spoken to her a week prior.  She showed no signs of being suicidal.  She had so much to live for.  She had friends and a son that she loved more than life itself.  I went to see her in the hospital, after she had been resuscitated.  She was brain dead.  I had to say goodbye to her while she was in a permanent state of tremors.  As the tears rolled down my face, and I brushed her leaf-and-dirt-encrusted hair behind her ear, the only thing I could do to console myself was to remember what I learned that day back in the veterinary ER staff meeting.  Suicidal people can be tricky and fool everyone around them.  And ultimately, there was nothing I could do.

Humans can take a major beating, emotionally.  Most humans, anyway.  I have seen a lot of grief and a lot of trauma and an insane amount of people at their worst.

I once met a woman who brought in her two dogs, both had been hit by a car.  Her fiance had been killed a year prior, and they had adopted these dogs together.  They were her final attachment to the memory and life she had shared with the man she loved.  Neither dog survived, and so she spent the entire night curled up with her deceased dogs in the exam room because she simply couldn't let go sooner.  She was able to leave in the morning, after grieving all night at the clinic.  It broke my heart.

Another woman brought in her Labrador and it turned out that he had cancer.  It was aggressively malignant, and as the woman was deciding whether or not to start treatment when her dog became agonal.  He began to gasp for breath and she screamed louder than anyone I had ever heard before.  I rushed into the exam room, and she had flung herself into a wall, scared of the agonal breathing, and collapsed on the floor, still screaming.  Fortunately, she had friends with her and they helped me pick her up and get her to a sink where she projectile vomited for a few minutes before approving euthanasia to allow her dog's passing to be calmer.

I have seen widows and widowers bringing me their pets that had belonged to their beloved spouse for treatment.  I have consoled children and adults, in words they can understand and emotions they can feel.  It's as if I am trying to make up karmic points so that I never have to go through seeing my loved ones deal with a suicide ever again.  I dunno.  I have been wanting to get all this out for some time.  I know it isn't a happy or impressive blog post.  I hope somebody makes it this far.  I still think about suicide on a regular basis, and I don't know why.  I won't ever try it on myself.  Perhaps I am being prepared for a future in which a loved one takes their own life.  Or maybe I took mine in a previous life.  UGH ok I am done.  Thanks for reading.