Pity Party Post

It's nobody's fault but my own. I feel so alone even surrounded by friends. Tonight, a whole group of people relocated across the bar for me, because I feel most comfortable next to the DJ. This was an obscenely kind act. I sing with a group of people between 10-13 years my junior. And they still feel inclined to help my anxiety by sitting near me so I can be included. At the start of the night, I am in awe of my friends. And I feel so loved.  A little anxious because I'm the reason they moved, but they offered and I said, 'only if you want to.'

But then I end the night depressed and feeling alone. Why?  Because I am dumb. And ugly. And fat. And I will never be a girl men want to be around. I sit at a table of six men and two women, one of which is me. The other is a beautiful, slender woman with nice legs and a small (but elegant) rack.  A couple of the men act as though I'm a real person who exists. But the others don't seem to realize im there. They focus on the beauty. And who wouldn't want her attention?  She's nice and sweet and only mildly self centered. She's perfect.  And they all want her in some way.

I've never been wanted like that in public. At least, not by more than one person at a time. I envy her ability to make men buy her drinks and compliment her without even trying. Even as I type this, I see how absurd I sound and how dumb I am, but I want what she has. I hate that I want it. I love myself. I'm an amazing person. Why can't I be happy for her?  Ugh.

I'm dumb. I know. But it's a visceral part of me. I was a swinger for seven years, off and on, and I had men clamoring for me online. But never in person. Never a random man. Because I am an acquired taste, or a specialty dish. Not everyone wants me. But I want to be wanted by everyone. I want to be in her shoes.   And I hate that I want that.

And so I am invisible and alone in a group of people yet again, because I'm not pretty. *sigh*