WOW I have never been so OUT of SHAPE in my LIFE. I mean, ROUND is a shape, but I am rather bumpy and not altogether round...and I don't have 'sides' like a polygon.....so perhaps I am just Fat Girl Shaped. Meh.
I got a good old fashioned Capricorn Bug up my Butt this past week and I have decided that I am joining a gym. I see the bariatric surgeon for a diet plan on the 15th, and I want to get a jump start on the exercise. So I went to a couple of gyms and ended up choosing the 24 Hour Fitness Sport that is under a mile from my house. I am about to get into my whole life's worth of attempted weight loss, so you will understand that I am ultimately serious when I say that I am out of shape. Very out of shape. As in I can't keep up a 2.7 mile/hour hoofing on a level 7 inclined treadmill for more than a minute without my heart rate shooting up to the 160s. I used to have to work out hard for 15 min before I saw the 160s. UGH.
My trainer, David, is adorable. He is 25 and very fit. He has a body fat of probably 15%, and these friendly blue eyes. And he used to be a bodybuilder. He showed me a pic of what he used to look like and I almost pissed myself. But he doesn't 'get' being fat. He went through all the machines and showed me how to do all the exercises that he recommends, and during the cool down stretches he was baffled that I was too fat to bring my knees all the way to my chest. Maybe if the procedure works and I get skinny, I will be a personal trainer strictly for the obese. Sheesh. But seriously. *SWOON* when it comes to David. Don't worry, everyone, he's married......so he's safe from my bubbly flirtatiousness. Bwahaha.
So I guess here I go with my own personal weight loss journey that has thusfar ended in utter failures. Keep in mind, though, that I am a pretty evenly keeled individual, and failure for me is just another word for learning something new. I like to say, 'I'm no bitch, I'm a scientist!' meaning that I don't freak out when I fail. I simply readjust my calculations and move ever forward. So please don't tell me to 'stay positive!' because I am already positive. I do appreciate the support, though, so feel free to encourage me any way you feel.
PUBERTY
Wow. I am putting in headings. I feel like it should be read the same way as the chick does in 'The Vagina Monologues'....
I honestly don't remember when I got my first period. I am pretty sure I was 13 and I am pretty sure I was terrified that Mother would find out and be disappointed in me. Or, worse, happy for me. I never wanted to get a period and I felt as though it was a punishment. Especially since I now had these fatty triangle shaped things hanging from my chest that required a bra. From what I remember, I was a pretty active kid. Basketball, swimming lessons, and softball took up the school years. And hiking up Rattlesnake Hill and playing on the sandstone sculptures took up the summers, when I wasn't playing Cheerleader or Unicorns in the back yard. I remember that was when I began to gain weight because I would do something like the Truffle Shuffle for my sisters - I would pull up my shirt and wiggle my flab around. My little sisters would laugh their skinny butts off.I knew something was odd with me because I didn't have a normal period. I didn't bleed 5 days out of the month. I bled all month, then had a couple days without hemorrhage. Mother told me to mark the days I bled on the calendar and so I did.....and although the proof was there, I honestly didn't think Mother would believe that I was hemorrhaging so badly. Somehow I told her and she believed me, though, because she took me to the doctor. And after a couple of years of them waffling about and saying I needed to stop eating so much....an endocrinologist. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Which, oddly enough, is only occasionally characterized by actually having cysts on the ovaries. I was told that I would have trouble losing weight, but I could lose weight with lots of effort and support. So I was placed on Oral Contraceptive Pills and sent to a nutritionist.
The nutritionist had me write down what I was eating and when, and it ended up that I wasn't overeating. So Mother took me to Weight Watchers. You know how embarassing it is to go to Weight Watchers at 16? I think we went to two meetings and then scrapped the idea. I was an active kid who didn't overeat. We decided to just see what happened.
HIGH SCHOOL
I have to say, I had the best friends in high school. I was part of a loving group of people who didn't ever seem to care that I was the biggest person in the group. At this point, I was over 200 lbs and still active as ever. I was in the marching band, pep band, cross country, and both of my elective classes for gym were aerobics. So five days a week, I wasn't only marching 8-to-5 on the football field before school, but I was doing 45 min of aerobics at the end of the day. And then I would manage the cross country team and walk over a mile home. I was in excellent shape, and still 214lbs.GRADUATION
After graduating high school, I no longer had an outlet for energy and I got a little lazy. Mother offered to get me a gym membership to a women's only gym called ShapeMakers when I was 19-20. I don't remember a lot about that gym except there wasn't a lot of equipment, and the aerobics classes were fun. After 8 months of that, though, I hadn't lost any weight and I quit. I was becoming frustrated with the stubbornness of my condition. I was about 220 lbs.MY TWENTIES
From age 20-23, I didn't do a whole lot, though for a short stint in college I ordered some weight loss pills from a late night tv ad and they worked (I lost 10 lbs in a month). But then I spilled them and they crumbled and I couldn't remember where I had gotten them. So I was back to square one (I think they ended up being dangerous and pulled from the market haha). I was focusing on my career as an EMT, then as a Veterinary Technician. I went through times when I was eating right and then times I was eating wrong. But when I moved to the Seattle area at the age of 23, I decided I was going to Kick Butt and Lose Weight. I had become about 260 lbs at that point, gaining 40 lbs in 3 years or so. I spoke to my doctor, who put me on the South Beach Diet before it was known as the South Beach Diet. She explained that it would 'shock my metabolism' into losing weight and even I could lose up to 20 lbs in the first two weeks. I was so excited. I cut out all grains and carbs and stuck to my guns for 6 straight weeks. At the time, I also had a wild and crazy dog I would take to the 100 acre dog park in Redmond, WA, and the local Clark Lake in Kent, WA. So I remained an active individual. I continued to lose no weight. The end of the six weeks was Thanksgiving. I decided to say, 'fuck it!' and I ate a normal Thanksgiving meal. Bread stuffing and all! It. Was. Delicious.
Four weeks later or so, on Christmas Eve, I found out I was pregnant. Turns out it was the diet that balanced my hormones into being fertile. Go me!! (Go us? The Man didn't do the diet with me...but he was a part of the baby making)
My 24th year went by with me simply being pregnant, doing prenatal yoga, and vomiting a lot while I was pregnant. I initially lost 20 lbs just from pregnancy-induced-bulemia, then gained it back and then some while my baby grew. When I had my first child, I was 270 or so. After he was born, I breastfed, which is supposed to be excellent for weight loss. Turns out my freaking BOOBS don't work. By 4 months of age, my son was practically emaciated and we gave supplemental formula. So I didn't even get breastfeeding benefits. And I tried all the stuff that was thrown at me - reglan, mother's milk tea, dark/stout beer, brewer's yeast, etc.
In my 25th year, I went on the South Beach Diet with the Man and my mother and father. the Man lost 14 lbs, Mother lost 12, and my dad also lost 12. In the first two weeks of Phase One. I lost nothing. Oh, and two months later I found out I was pregnant again. D'OH! I did the same thing with this pregnancy, only with major depression. Yoga, eating right, and attempted breastfeeding. My boobs don't work for anyone. By now, I have PPD. Bad. THe Man was a major help because I was so scared I would do something like drown the baby in the bath tub, so he gave the baby all his baths. But with the depression came anxiety. And it took me over a year to move past it. I believe the baby was 2 by the time I was satisfactorily past the major depression.
Between 26-30, I read all the articles about people who 'simply' did small things that ended up helping them. And I tried it. I decreased portion sizes. I walked everywhere. I did standing push-ups against the counter as I waited for the whole grain toast in the toaster, I parked at the back of the lot, I went to the mall just to walk around.....and when I turned 30, I was 290 lbs.
MY THIRTIES....NOW....
A few months before i turned 30, I decided to Eat Right again. I was an adult now, after all, and I needed to Finally Lose The Weight. I had been researching the LapBand and Gastric Bypass procedures and decided they were too risky to consider. Besides, I hadn't lost weight yet with just diet control alone, nor had I lost weight with exercise and diet, so I didn't want to Fail. I decided to eat a LapBand-esque diet. No/Low bread and carbs, high protein, extremely small and well-chewed portions. The Man also signed the family up for a YMCA membership, so I was working out a few times a week. I did this for two months from the first of November-December. In January, I approached my Primary Care Physician and said I wanted to do a doctor supervised diet and exercise plan. My doctor said that, if I don't lose a pound a week, I am doing something wrong. If that's the case, change it up. So I did. From january through April, I was at the gym 5 days a week, a minimum of an hour a day. Cardio and weights. Diet wise, if I didn't lose a pound a week, I was switching up. I did five 300 calorie meals a day, i did low carb, I did high carb, I did protein only, three 500 calorie meals a day, four 400 calorie meals a day.....etc. I even did some serious calorie cycling where I would eat 1000 calories one day and 2000 the next, then 700, then 1500, etc. At the end of this 6 month spiel, I had only lost 10 lbs. At this rate, it would take me 6-10 years of hard work and exercise to possibly reach my goal weight. I was depressed and heavily discouraged. I had just begun teaching in addition to working at the ER, and I had fewer hours in the day in which to work out. So I stopped going 5 days a week. And a few months later, I quit entirely. My work took up 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I hardly slept and I sent The Man and the kids away nightly so I would be able to focus on lecture writing.
Later that year, I was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I was put on medications that cause weight gain to balance my brain chemistry. How fun. Oh, yes, and a year later we made a major move to Houston.
Two years ago, almost exactly, I won a contest. I was going to be given a free 12 week spot with Quick Weight Loss Centers. I would be given all of the support from the counselors as well as all of the supplements and foods for free. How awesome is that? This was THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH of stuff given to me. for FREE. At 320lbs, THIS was my chance. And I was going to make it work! Within the first week of taking approximately 12 pills a day, with three meals and two snacks, I had lost 12 lbs. WOW. Now THIS is results!! And then I began to vomit. A lot. And always right after I ate. For two or three weeks, I vomited violently after I ate anything. And the thing is, I wasn't hungry. So I simply stopped eating for two weeks. I took the supplements with no problem, but no solid or liquid foods. I would try, once or twice a day, to eat something. But my body would have none of it. So I stopped all the supplements and within a week, I was able to eat again. But I was too scared to try the supplements back one at a time. The vomiting was very painful and violent, and I wasn't ready to go back to it. I had fallen so far behind in the contest I was in that I never could have won, and so I bowed out. I was 308 lbs.I quickly gained that weight back when I started eating again, and by the time I left my job as a vet tech last August (18 months after QWLC), I was 325 lbs. I was in a massive funk after leaving my job and becoming a stay at home mom. I never exercised. I slept all day, dreaming of work. Desperate to feel needed and accomplished again. And my psychiatric counselor recommended I join a study for a new depression drug. So I did. And it caused more weight gain. I am now 350lbs and 35 years old.
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