Things Fat People Think

the beautiful Tess <3

I am a fat girl.  I love myself as a person, and as Tess Munster says, 'Eff Your Beauty Standards!'  But I have been out of work for six months and I have gained 15 lbs.  This proves to me what I always told people, which is that I am healthy and my work is really really hard, exercise wise.  I was constantly moving, lifting, twirling, and squatting.  So now I am scared to death that I am going to become a 600 lb person and end up on TLC.....

People of normal stature, those up to about 225 lbs, don't have to worry about some of the things that us morbidly obese people worry about.  And morbid obesity is not always a choice.  Some people CAN lose weight but they choose not to.  I am NOT one of those people.  I am fat because of my body chemistry.  I know this because of 20 years of dieting and exercise showing I cannot lose weight when I try.  Even with a doctor's supervision and no cheating.

The Man lost 50 lbs by switching to diet coke.  Until I moved to Houston, I rarely drank sodas.  So giving them up did nothing.  I have done the South Beach Diet twice, and it gave me both of my wonderful children.  But that is a story for another day.  So....On to Things Fat Girls Worry About That You Probably Don't.

1. WHAT PEOPLE SAY/THINK

everyone thinks that they worry about what others think.  But do you worry about sitting next to an ugly person on an airplane or amusement park ride?  No.  You worry about having to share your personal space with a fat person.  And way too many haters are out there assuming that all fat people make wrong decisions.  I know way more skinny people who eat worse than I do.  I can't help my body chemistry, and maybe neither can they.

At the gym, I watched people come and go, and lose weight around me.  Or maintain their physique.  All I can wonder is what they thought of the fat girl dedicating six days a week, an hour a day to the elliptical, then the weights machines.I was always there, working out.  It felt good.  But hard work without reward, in the gym or the office, causes discouragement and depression.  And eventually I let my membership lapse.  Paying $80/month (family rate)  wasn't worth the heartache.

I am currently considering a bariatric procedure to help me lose.  But it causes maldigestion which leads to malnutrition and has a high chance of only helping me for a few years.  Tops.  I'd rather have a whole body liposuction to remove the offending fats.  But I can't afford it.

2. WILL THIS DIET/LIFESTYLE CHANGE HELP ME?

I have some stubborn ass willpower.  I have stuck with my diet and exercise plans longer than I should, just hoping that One More Week will be the magic time when fat begins to melt away.  NOPE.

What happens if I get surgery to help?  People will think I am taking the Easy Way out.....like repiping my plumbing is easy or safe.  Nobody knows what I have been through to come to that decision, and I don't take it lightly.  I have been considering it for 8 years now, and because of the failed diets and exercise, who is to say that THIS will do ANYTHING for me?  I am scared.  Very scared.

3. WILL MY ASS FIT?

The Man and I went on a vacation to the Bahamas with his company about nine years ago.  My BFF at the time was going kayaking with her Man.  She said I should join her.  I said, totally seriously, that I doubt my fat ass would fit in the boat.  She laughed, then looked at my ass, and agreed with me.  She walked away laughing.

Two years ago, I still fit (barely) into airline seats without needing a belt extension.  I won't fly anymore because I am scared of a Kevin Smith-esque experience that will embarrass me in front of a crowded plane.  And he's not even the weight I was when I last flew.  Some stewards are polite, asking if I need an extension (or, as one did, palm one to me so the guy two seats over wouldn't see).  Some, however, watch me like a hawk for the whole flight and insist they tug on my belt to be sure it's secure.  I am an Aspie.....that would offend a normal person, but it makes me shut down completely.

Recently, my Darling asked me if I would fly with him somewhere.  I was honest with him - my fat ass doesn't fit in the seat.  He said, 'baby, your fat ass is beautiful.  And I love that fat ass.  I will sit next to you and enjoy every inch of it next to me.' (this made me cry sweet, happy tears).

Movie theaters, the older ones, have small seats.  Stadiums.  Cars.  Boats. 

4. Can That Chair/Booth Hold Me?

Oh lord....I am forever afraid of a situation like the one in Shallow Hal.  When Rose squashes the steel chair.  At the bar, I choose to sit on only the most stable looking chairs.  If it is a barstool with only a single post, or if it's fixed like that at McDonald's, I won't sit on it. 

Booths are a problem for me.  BW3 has roomy booths, but IHOP and most other places cause me to feel the fixed table on my belly when I slide in.  Everyone loves booths, though, and so whenever we go somewhere I have to mentally gauge the space and pray I fit.

When picking a camping chair, most hold 'up to 250lbs'.  Great.  I am over 300.  So what do I do?  Buy the one that holds up to 300 lbs and pray it doesn't break too soon.

5. Am I Going To Get (Disease)?

this....is me.

I live in constant fear of suddenly becoming diabetic, arthritic, hypertensive, or having a myocardial infarction.  I am afraid of sleep apnea because I snore loudly and have some regurg at night occasionally.  I am afraid that I am going to become a textbook fat person with see-through skin and diabetic nerve pain.  When my back is out of alignment and my muscles are so tight I can't fasten my bra, I am afraid I have gained 30 lbs overnight and I am going to die.  And it is a very real fear because it can really happen. 

These are just the top 5 things I obsess over every day.  I try to love my body.  And usually, I do.  My boobs are fantastic!!!  And my friends think I am beautiful, so that gives me confidence.  I truly love the people I have surrounded myself with.  And for those that choose to stay, I thank you.  Gonna leave you with this cartoon I have loved for as long as I have known it existed: