New Computer

So The Man bought the family a new computer.  It is a Lenovo ideacentre thing.  It has a 20" screen, ultragorgeous pixel-y screen prettiness.  An intel Core 13 processor.  And scads of awesome games you can play.  It even comes with joysticks that you can put ON SCREEN because it's a touch screen computer!  AND it has a 2 hour battery life, so you can unplug it and not worry about it dying on you right away.  Even accidentally.  However.....

It sucks as a computer.  I got over the fact that Microsoft Windows apps are all stuck together like a mish-mosh of trash in honey.  I got over not having a start menu (though they say the Lenovo added one, but it seems to do nothing for me).  I learned how to download apps from the store, get online, and even download MS Office as a trial. 

Downloading Office took 5 tries and 3 restarts....and I am still not sure I have all of it.  I usually use the internet for looking at pictures of cats, my blog, and facebook.  Firefox crashes every time.  I haven't tried IE because if Firefox crashes.....IE won't even start up.  I have Windown OS 8.0, and it keeps telling me to update to 8.1, but my sister, whom I trust, said not to download it.

The MS Store doesn't even connect now.  I have fiber optic internets through Uverse.  My phone, the kids' phones, and the old 2007 laptop all connect just fine to the new fangled router.  But this computer....can't access facebook, can't connect to the store.....all I can play is flappy bird and even then my high score is 6.  SIX.  It's like a brand new iPhone or something.....wait, no, a brand new Windows phone where all I can do is play games already on the device.

When The Man comes home for a visit, I sure hope his computer-minded fingers can do something about this large, expensive blog machine.  I am hopeless as a computer person, as I can only do the three things mentioned above. 

drawing it out....i'd wanna see my vet...

this is how i feel every time i go to the doctor.

Keep in mind, this is written based on this most recent visit.  However, I went in last year with pain I have no self-diagnosed as diverticulitis.  Why self-diagnosed?  Oh, because I was having colonic pain and the doctor said I didn't realize it was coming from my uterus, he is sure of it.  Yes, it was a HE.  Male.  As in...someone who does not, and has never had, a uterus of his very own.  He also said I should try to lose weight because 'signs like these can be caused by obesity.'

I have had polycystic ovaries since I was 13.  I know how the ovaries feel, and being a girl who bled for all but two weeks out of a single year when I was 14, I know where my uterus is and how it feels. I used my calendar to mark the days I menstruated.....that's how I know I am not crazy thinking it was a whole year.  Shortly after that, the mother put me on OCPs and I was able to have a regular cycle...  I have also had chronic diarrhea my whole life, usually large intestine, so I know how that feels.  The chronic diarrhea was actually linked to my endometriosis.... The pain was certainly coming from behind my uterus and exactly where my descending colon went to the sigmoid colon.  And yet, the doctor did a pelvic exam, annual manual, and said I am doing fine and I have nothing wrong with me.

HAH.

I hate people doctors.  If it wasn't so illegal, I'd go see a veterinarian.  They actually perform medicine and tests to rule shit out.

My Own Cognitive Dysfunction

how a brain works

Yesterday morning, I sat with trepidation on a seat in the lobby of my general practitioner.  I was scheduled for a 'CNS Test,' which had me at a loss.  Was I going to have my spine tapped, my brainwaves read, my muscles electrocuted for the purpose of checking my reflexes?  Nope.  I sat in front of a computer and was asked to perform repetitive functions and a memory test.  Easy-peasy.  I was delighted, as I was going to rock this test.  Unfortunately, it was going to prove that there is nothing wrong with me, and that I am a hypochondriac.  But there were other tests I could have done to prove I am not jumping at shadows, so I went into the test with a bittersweet thought.

I was asked to remember 15 words and alert the computer, via depression of the space bar, when I saw one of said 15 words throughout the test.  I was also asked to decipher numerical codes and tap really, really fast on the space bar to test my speed of nerve firing.  I tapped the ever loving life out of the space bar.  I rocked that test, in my head.

the program used

In reality, however, I scored below average, low, and very low on every single test I was handed on that little computer screen.  This indicates my neural response times are very low.  My doctor came in - the one who focused on my weight the first time, barely alluding to my concerns about my mental and physical dysfunction - and ordered 8 blood tests (fasting, of course) and an EEG.  She also encouraged me to call the neurologist sooner, rather than later.  How comforting.

I spent all of yesterday moody and upset.  How could my physical game be SO off?  What if I have MS, or another form of sclerosis, or a brain tumor, or a metabolic disease, or early onset Alzheimer's, or....*gasp* a DISEASE NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF?!?!?!?

But i am being dumb.  Don't do that, me.  Stop it.  Whatever is going on, I can handle it.  I have my kids, my friends, and my family to support me through this.  On the positive note, I am not crazy that I am having cognitive dysfunction problems.  Which means I am also not imagining the physical limitations that I have been experiencing.

cute kittens make me happy

Validation is bittersweet here.  I hope the blood tests and EEG show something.  But even if they don't, we can rule a bunch of stuff out.

Bad Newz for the Jets

I can't stand Michael Vick and what he did before he was arrested (finally) in 2007.  Now he's leaving the Eagles to play for the Jets and I just don't understand why jocks get all the favors?  I read this blog article and I agree with it 100%.

It isn't just him.  As the article states, "Throughout the league, owners have shown a winning at all cost attitude and they don’t seem to care if it’s Michael Vick and his dog torture or the many other players in the league with criminal records. There are wife beaters, those accused of rape and those that have faced time on gun, assault, murder and attempted murder cases.
In professional sports, it’s the love of a team that is handed down for generations. I’m a third generation Bears fan. However, as the league continues to keep players like Vick and other criminals in the league, it stopped being a family-friendly sport any longer."

Football seems to attract a large, brutish man for the sport.  Manly men.  With lots of testosterone and muscle.  Not all players are this way, and choose to have a criminal life.  Many are wonderful fathers and husbands.  Why can't we make the crooks pay like laypeople?   Rapists are not above the law, why are football players?  Because money talks.  And rapists walk.  Fuck that shit.  If a famous person rapes me, I will NOT be bought, and he will have to pay for his sins.....in jail.

Naturopathic Veterinary Medicine

I am not a grinch.  I am a scientist.  I excite with all things learning and science-filled.  Give me a vomiting cat, and I love running tests and asking questions to figure out what is going on with the poor creature.  I adore working with top level veterinarians to work through the problem and come out on the other side successful.  This includes both Eastern and Western medicine.  However, I have found in my 13 years of practice that naturopathic medicine in animals is a lot of hooey, and it bilks the owners out of a lot of money.  It also pisses off the veterinary specialist you are paying to save the life of your pet.  I have an example of the type of people who bring in supplements of a naturopathic nature for their pet....

awwww random internet kitteh is cute

I had a client once, relatively recently, who was.....a character.  A difficult one.  Ms Character came to our clinic an hour later than she made the appointment for.  We had been warned of this, and although Dr Internist didn't want to see her, we squeezed her in.  Ms Character, of course, did not approve, and spent 15 minutes of my time complaining that she had to wait.  While I was attempting to get a history on the cat.  We shall call this particular cat Precious because she was very sweet.

Ms Character insisted that her primary care vet was inept.  This was my second sign that she would be a difficult client.  Any client that complains about her primary care vet (PCV) will most certainly complain about her specialist.  A specialist has higher cost, and thereby more responsibility due to the schooling and training and talent the specialist has to offer.  Ms Character insisted her primary care vet overlooked kidney disease in Precious.  However, there were many notes in the PCV's record about how the owner refused to treat the kidney disease, and instead relied on her naturopathic friend to give her 'medicine.'

This woman dumped out a bag of 'medicine' in front of me and described in detail how she committed terrible acts of administration to poor little calico Precious.  There was a kidney scrubber and a liver cleanser and an appetite stimulant....all of them in powder form that the owner would sprinkle over Precious' food till she stopped eating....then the powder went into a syringe with water and was squirted into the darling's mouth.  Ms Character was livid that the PCV didn't understand why Precious wasn't eating, and was now anemic with kidney failure and dying.

As a vet tech, there are three things I am NOT allowed to do.....diagnose, prognose, and perform acts of veterinary medicine without a supervising licensed veterinarian.  Looking at this cat, who was bright and alert and responsive, had beautiful mucous membranes that provided a quick capillary refill time, and appeared well hydrated, I would have never known she had abnormal lab values.  However, her lab values weren't very bad at all.  She was barely azotemic, and had honestly never been anywhere near acute kidney disease bad enough to warrant Ms Character thinking her Precious would die.  Ms Character had been offered hospitalization and diuresis for her kitty, but had declined it in favor of the supplements.  Despite all claims, Precious looked healthy and acted healthy and ate treats for me in the room. 

Dr Internist was going to be annoyed.  This client was only here because the owner insisted.  the primary vet could have easily have handled this, and this client is difficult, obstinate, and loony toons.  Dr Internist doesn't DO naturopathic medicine, because we, as a veterinary community, do not know how the ingredients affect the patient pharmacokinetically.  Just because something seems to work in humans doesn't mean it is right for animals (chocolate, raisins, and xylitol are big examples of what is good for humans and bad for dogs, and Tylenol is lethal in cats).  and Dr Internist has her own way of doing things.

It took an hour, but Dr Internist convinced ms Character to back off on the supplements.  Ms Character refused to let Precious stay the night, and so we gave her some fluids under the skin, a few injections, and let her go.  little did we know, she would be back two days later....

if only cats could talk....

Precious isn't eating now.  i mean, she wasn't before, but now it's been two more days.  the owner phoned for an urgent care visit and got the last slot of the day.  she was, again, and hour late.  i got the pleasure of letting her know the emergency vet would be seeing her.  She blew up in my face.  And, it turns out, she never stopped giving the supplements.  And there was no way Precious was getting into the other cat's food.  Even though the owner had to drag her away from the other cats' food dish to bring her to the clinic.....

huh?

yeah.

Turns out the supplements didn't taste good, so Precious was eating the other cat's food.  Which wasn't a specific kidney diet, so it didn't help Precious pull herself away from the brink of kidney failure.  All of this is so simple, but Ms Character focused on other things.  Like how we are never ready for her when she arrives.  And how the Dr Internist refused to see her when she showed up after closing time, despite having an appointment an hour prior.  And how dare we say she was an hour late when she was, in fact, on time and the receptionists didn't allow her to go into the room for an hour (untrue - I had been in the lobby looking for her because she had told me over the phone that Precious was on the verge of death...).

it's like random internet kitteh grow'd up

Ms Character left in a huff, refusing to pay a cent, despite having agreed to blood work while she waited for the Dr Emergency Vet.  And the hospital manager, being a complete tool, let her go without payment.

The moral of this story, I suppose, is that naturopathic medicine has it's place in the placebo category of medicine.  There are some natural agents that we use, like milk thistle for liver problems, and Yunnan baiao for clotting problems, but that is because they are proven to be of use by the FDA.  There is a stringent vetting process for medications for a reason. 

Personally, I have seen wonderful responses with chiropractic and acupuncture for pets.  This is because stimulating nerves and adjusting bones to not compress nerves are scientifically proven to work.  Acupuncture works through 'channels' that happen to lie right over nerves.  Funny how that works out. 

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives....

I haven't been to a diner or a dive lately, so the title is kind of lying.  The drive-in last night was fun.  I think the Muppet movie was more traditional Muppets than the last two movies have been.  The entire cast was spot-on, and the jokes were deliciously corny, and there were a lot of explosions.  Not enough penguins, though, and that is because Jim has been dead a while.  I remember hearing his son Brian say that when he was in doubt, he would throw in penguins or an explosion.... hehehe.  Ah, the old days.  I still have the Time Life Muppet Show Collection on VHS.....and I have to go to a friend's house to watch it because I no longer have a video player that works.  Hahaha.

Today was going very well.  I don't have the heaviness in my legs today, though the hands and arms are extra tingly.  My back wasn't spasming out until I took the kids to a birthday party and I played 6 rounds of Skee-ball.....at that point it was my own dumb fault.  Then, when I got home, I lifted heavy things and planted some flowers that were about to die of exposure.  So I did a bad thing.  Now I am going to lie down and ice my back....

Today

I feel pretty good today, all things considered.  I did stay in bed for about 12 hours, and had a 5 hour nap yesterday.  So I have had a lot of sleep, and little stress, and was feeling back to normal for a good 15 minutes earlier.  I felt so free while walking toward a Target!  And then the sagginess and sloppiness set in and by the time I was inside the Target, my legs were once again heavy and my back was trying to spasm.  BUT I didn't just hunch over the cart like always.  NO.  I stood up with perfect posture and walked slowly so I could pretend I was doing it intentionally and I think I rocked the look.  Until I got to the checkout line behind someone spending, like, $1000 and then people spending $2 and filling out an application for the red card.  UGH Move aside!!

I also gave my boys their allowance and one bought a new DS game.....the other was sad that he only got $1, but he knows that if I get an email or call from his teacher, he is deducted $1 per offense from his allowance.....

Now to the drive in picture show, where we will see the Muppets Most Wanted and Mr Peabody and Sherman.....yay!!

I always Forget....

WHY DO I ALWAYS FORGET IMPORTANT THINGS AT THE DOCTOR?!?  It's not like I don't go over it time and again - twice with the nurse and twice with the doctor.  Because they can't listen AND take notes.    The doctor I saw this morning was rather condescending.  I told her my fears, my hopes, and my symptoms.  She asked me if I realized I am overweight and that anxiety can cause these problems, then referred me to a weight loss doctor and a neurologist. 

Do I realize....I am overweight?  Oh.  My.  GOD.  NO.  How long has this been going on?!?

Fuck you, doctor Bitch.  At least I got my referral.

And I forgot to mention the one sign that seemed to be most important that I didn't even mention in last night's blog - heavy legs and limbs.  I feel like I am moving through hardening concrete....and I am gathering the weight of the wet concrete on my legs.  This is something I cannot ignore.  It is what makes all of my exercises and movements so daunting a task.  sometimes I even try to prance about like a pony because I want to shake off the heaviness.

Yeah, I prance like a pretty little pony.  I'm a pooony I'm a poony (Richard Simmons reference)

UGH So now I have a sleep study to do, a weight management doctor to see, and a neurologist.  This is why I don't go to doctors.  They make me do stuff.

Health Problems

So I have been out of a job since August (mostly by choice, though I *was* fired), and I have been feeling kinda depressed and more than a little lazy.  So I wasn't terribly surprised when I was less flexible and gained 15 lbs.  However, its been more than that lately, especially the last three months.  So I asked my psych doctors in the research study if I was having side effects of the meds, like before.  NOPE.  Turns out, I am feeling weird for some other reason.

I have been having trouble walking for a few months, and it is entirely related to spasms in my back and hips.  So I got different shoes, tried stretching first, did exercises for it, and it didn't go away.  Except for sometimes, when it was gone completely and I felt normal.  I became dizzy every morning upon waking, and have had nerve and muscle spasms in my right foot for about 8 months or so now. 

I have been looking at it all like separate symptoms and basically told myself I am fat, out of shape, and stupid for letting myself get so out of hand.  Then, a friend said, "sounds like MS."  I laughed it off, cuz I have a friend with MS, and I am nothing like her (except we are both dead sexy, yaknowwhatimean?!?).  So I look up Multiple Sclerosis just to prove to myself I don't have it.  And what do I find?  YES.  I have all top ten warning signs.



1. Fuzzy Thinking
I have had the worst time the last year or so thinking straight.  My psych gave me Vyvanse, but that only made me move faster with more energy.  Not clear my head.  

2. Paresthesia (numbness/tingling) in extremities
 This one i have had going on for more than a year - probably two, actually.  maybe more.  I have had an MRI and x-rays of my neck to verify I have no pinched nerves or disc related issues.  My Darling and The Man can attest to my random shaking-of-the-hand to try to get blood back into it because I assumed it was a vascular issue.

3. Vision changes
Nothing the doctors have been able to find, but I do have fuzzy or strange vision jumps daily. They've become a lot worse lately, but I just had an eye exam two months ago and, although I have a myelinated retina, one near sighted eye, and one far sighted eye.....I am fine.

4. Exhaustion/tiredness
I have been more exhausted this last year than any before that.  But even as a kid, i would take any excuse to sleep.

5. Depression (duh)
well, i was diagnosed with depression and anxiety three and a quarter years ago.....and it was an abrupt change in me.  never been depressed before and i assumed it was my students causing the issues....oops.  maybe.

6. Mood swings
I have broken down into tears for absolutely no reason so many times this last few months....starting around Thanksgiving.....

7. Vertigo
Lifelong problem.....so it may or may not have anything to do with this.  but it's there, and it is now present every morning.  And when my kids try to walk alongside me, I go completely off balance and don't know what to do.  I freak out and ask them not to walk near me.

8. Pain
yeah, yeah, this is probably just a coincidence.  not saying anything more about this.  i *am* a fat girl....

9. Muscle spasms
my back....oh god my back.....every day.  and my right foot has a charlie horse or five each day.  sounds like a fucked up neuro issue to me!  Also, for the last 2-3 years, I have choked on my own spit more times than I can count, and not been able to swallow for a moment after.  Scary.  I have awakened with what felt like a tracheal stenosis, as I could only breathe in through what seemed to be a straw.....scary shit, waking up unable to breathe and unable to gasp for air.  I had to train myself to relax and breathe in slowly so that I could get back to normal faster.  I grew empathetic for dogs and cats with collapsing tracheas and asthma.

10. Bladder/bowel problems
only in the last three or four months, i have noticed that i, the girl who grew up doing kegels daily because her mom taught lamaze for 16 years, have been leaking a little while on the way to the toilet.  i have doubled my kegels but it has barely helped.  i am not wetting my skivvies or anything yet, but it is an issue i am embarassed to admit.

I KNOW HOW IT WORKS, PEOPLE.  I am no idiot.  I know that the mind can make things appear to be when they aren't there at all.  So I am visiting the doctor in 9 hours to see if there may be any inkling of truth to the possibility that I may have MS....on top of depression and anxiety....and being an Aspie.  woot.   I hope I am not being a hypochondriac.....i want there to be a reason for me feeling so out of sync with my body.  i don't like it.  not one bit....

OH and MS is caused by the body deciding it hates the Oligodendrocytes (the sweet little fat-roll-ups that cover the axon of the nerve to allow it to transmit properly) and eats them up.  Stupid immune system.  Go fight someone else!

Basketball Sucks

I know this won't make me popular.  I don't care.  It has to get out there.  I even spoke to a Rockets rep about it.  She said I was crazy to like the sport I like....but she is getting paid by Big Basketball.

I generally don't do sports.  There are few sports I go out of my way to watch.  Only one, actually.  I am a hockey fan, living in Houston.  So I can either watch the minor league Aeros, or drive all the way to Dallas to see the Stars.  I am not a big fan of a 4.5 hour drive to the arena, so I choose to stay local.

Hockey is a valid sport.  You have the players wearing 25 (defense) to 60 (goalie) lbs of gear, sliding around on a single blade that could slice your skin or throat without mercy.  You have 200+ lb muscular, sweaty men that will throw down and fight over a puck the size of a fist using only their bare hands.  It's raw.  It's fun to watch.  And even if you don't like hockey, you can't say that it isn't a challenge to get the tiny puck into the small goal....or for the goalie to catch it.  It's heavier and denser than one may think, and even the fans are taking a chance by being in the crowd.  You can come with a whole, healthy brain and leave with a concussion or a broken bone. 

Let's break down sports into a few categories and try to be objective.  We will look at Hockey, Basketball, Baseball, Football, and Soccer:
1. Points Scored
2. Players Needed
3. Size of Field
4. Difficulty of Play (based on equipment, rules, etc)


1. Points Scored - The fewer points scored in a game, agreeably the more difficult it is to score a point.  Hockey games frequently end with both teams making fewer than 5 goals.  I can't find a record high score in a hockey game, but I see that the highest point differential was in 1944, where the Redwings (spit) scored 15-0 against the Rangers.
A record combined high score in football was 173 points, but a record low was 0 points scored for the entire game, both teams.  Most football games have <50 points scored per game, and each touchdown is 6 points.  That's fewer than ten touchdowns.
 Record Basketball scores are a combined total of 370 points in 1983 between the Nuggets and Pistons.  The top ten highest scoring games since 1959 are all >180 points PER TEAM for basketball.
Baseball?  Highest game score ever is 36 runs.
Soccer appears to have a highest scoring game for a single team is 8 points.  Seriously?

On points alone, Basketball is the MOST PUSSY-ASS game out there.

2. Players - 
Hockey has 6 players on the ice at once per team.
Basketball has 5 players per team on the court.  Because more won't fit.  Pfft.
Football has 11 players
Baseball has 9 players on the field
Soccer has 10.

3. Play Space Size
Hockey - 200'x85' (North American) or 200'x100' (international)
Basketball - 94'x50' (USA) or 91'x49' (international)  The smallest, most pussy-ass playing area.....
Football - 120 yd x 53.3 yds
Baseball -I don't wanna do math.  It's big.
Soccer - 100+ yards x 50+ yards, depending on the pitch

 4. Difficulty of Play
Again, I am biased for Hockey....wearing a crap ton of equipment and balancing on a sliver of metal on a slick surface with opportunity for death every day.
Basketball players wear teensy little tank tops and jams (shorts that are long, for those non-80's kids), are already mostly tall as the basket, and they have the smallest play area of everyone.  Least amount of equipment, too....
Football players wear 30 lbs of equipment and have to do a lot of running and slamming into others.
Baseball players have to hit a tiny ball with a thin bat and run faster than the ball.
Soccer players frequently break ankles and do fun tricks like twirl in the air.  They also have fans that will literally kill each other to get to a player to touch their sweat.  Yiikes.

So there you have it.  Basketball is dumb, and we should not be paying a bunch of people to play this dumb game.  They have the tallest players, the smallest play area, the largest ball, the easiest game, the least amount of equipment, and the most points scored.  Boycott basketball and we can take March back from the madness.  Share this blog!!!! 

Things Fat People Think

the beautiful Tess <3

I am a fat girl.  I love myself as a person, and as Tess Munster says, 'Eff Your Beauty Standards!'  But I have been out of work for six months and I have gained 15 lbs.  This proves to me what I always told people, which is that I am healthy and my work is really really hard, exercise wise.  I was constantly moving, lifting, twirling, and squatting.  So now I am scared to death that I am going to become a 600 lb person and end up on TLC.....

People of normal stature, those up to about 225 lbs, don't have to worry about some of the things that us morbidly obese people worry about.  And morbid obesity is not always a choice.  Some people CAN lose weight but they choose not to.  I am NOT one of those people.  I am fat because of my body chemistry.  I know this because of 20 years of dieting and exercise showing I cannot lose weight when I try.  Even with a doctor's supervision and no cheating.

The Man lost 50 lbs by switching to diet coke.  Until I moved to Houston, I rarely drank sodas.  So giving them up did nothing.  I have done the South Beach Diet twice, and it gave me both of my wonderful children.  But that is a story for another day.  So....On to Things Fat Girls Worry About That You Probably Don't.

1. WHAT PEOPLE SAY/THINK

everyone thinks that they worry about what others think.  But do you worry about sitting next to an ugly person on an airplane or amusement park ride?  No.  You worry about having to share your personal space with a fat person.  And way too many haters are out there assuming that all fat people make wrong decisions.  I know way more skinny people who eat worse than I do.  I can't help my body chemistry, and maybe neither can they.

At the gym, I watched people come and go, and lose weight around me.  Or maintain their physique.  All I can wonder is what they thought of the fat girl dedicating six days a week, an hour a day to the elliptical, then the weights machines.I was always there, working out.  It felt good.  But hard work without reward, in the gym or the office, causes discouragement and depression.  And eventually I let my membership lapse.  Paying $80/month (family rate)  wasn't worth the heartache.

I am currently considering a bariatric procedure to help me lose.  But it causes maldigestion which leads to malnutrition and has a high chance of only helping me for a few years.  Tops.  I'd rather have a whole body liposuction to remove the offending fats.  But I can't afford it.

2. WILL THIS DIET/LIFESTYLE CHANGE HELP ME?

I have some stubborn ass willpower.  I have stuck with my diet and exercise plans longer than I should, just hoping that One More Week will be the magic time when fat begins to melt away.  NOPE.

What happens if I get surgery to help?  People will think I am taking the Easy Way out.....like repiping my plumbing is easy or safe.  Nobody knows what I have been through to come to that decision, and I don't take it lightly.  I have been considering it for 8 years now, and because of the failed diets and exercise, who is to say that THIS will do ANYTHING for me?  I am scared.  Very scared.

3. WILL MY ASS FIT?

The Man and I went on a vacation to the Bahamas with his company about nine years ago.  My BFF at the time was going kayaking with her Man.  She said I should join her.  I said, totally seriously, that I doubt my fat ass would fit in the boat.  She laughed, then looked at my ass, and agreed with me.  She walked away laughing.

Two years ago, I still fit (barely) into airline seats without needing a belt extension.  I won't fly anymore because I am scared of a Kevin Smith-esque experience that will embarrass me in front of a crowded plane.  And he's not even the weight I was when I last flew.  Some stewards are polite, asking if I need an extension (or, as one did, palm one to me so the guy two seats over wouldn't see).  Some, however, watch me like a hawk for the whole flight and insist they tug on my belt to be sure it's secure.  I am an Aspie.....that would offend a normal person, but it makes me shut down completely.

Recently, my Darling asked me if I would fly with him somewhere.  I was honest with him - my fat ass doesn't fit in the seat.  He said, 'baby, your fat ass is beautiful.  And I love that fat ass.  I will sit next to you and enjoy every inch of it next to me.' (this made me cry sweet, happy tears).

Movie theaters, the older ones, have small seats.  Stadiums.  Cars.  Boats. 

4. Can That Chair/Booth Hold Me?

Oh lord....I am forever afraid of a situation like the one in Shallow Hal.  When Rose squashes the steel chair.  At the bar, I choose to sit on only the most stable looking chairs.  If it is a barstool with only a single post, or if it's fixed like that at McDonald's, I won't sit on it. 

Booths are a problem for me.  BW3 has roomy booths, but IHOP and most other places cause me to feel the fixed table on my belly when I slide in.  Everyone loves booths, though, and so whenever we go somewhere I have to mentally gauge the space and pray I fit.

When picking a camping chair, most hold 'up to 250lbs'.  Great.  I am over 300.  So what do I do?  Buy the one that holds up to 300 lbs and pray it doesn't break too soon.

5. Am I Going To Get (Disease)?

this....is me.

I live in constant fear of suddenly becoming diabetic, arthritic, hypertensive, or having a myocardial infarction.  I am afraid of sleep apnea because I snore loudly and have some regurg at night occasionally.  I am afraid that I am going to become a textbook fat person with see-through skin and diabetic nerve pain.  When my back is out of alignment and my muscles are so tight I can't fasten my bra, I am afraid I have gained 30 lbs overnight and I am going to die.  And it is a very real fear because it can really happen. 

These are just the top 5 things I obsess over every day.  I try to love my body.  And usually, I do.  My boobs are fantastic!!!  And my friends think I am beautiful, so that gives me confidence.  I truly love the people I have surrounded myself with.  And for those that choose to stay, I thank you.  Gonna leave you with this cartoon I have loved for as long as I have known it existed: