Overwhelmed.

I am a month away from not having health insurance anymore. I've been on Effexor as an antidepressant for six and a half years. Over the last few months, I've weaned myself down from 225mg to 75mg.  I haven't had much trouble until lately.  And I honestly think it isn't the lack of Effexor that is causing me problems processing.

I should post what I'm proud of myself for getting through, instead of focusing on the negatives.  I made it through a trip to a strange city for a veterinary conference. I only had two meltdowns, and both were due to miscalculation of stimulus. I got overwhelmed by noise, lights, and strangers. I drove a total of 40+ hours to a strange state and back.  And the trip not only cost me $, but it also cost me a week's pay because I had to take time off. I handled the lack of funds well.

Then, I made it through mediation. I found out *in* mediation that the ex had no problem embellishing and straight up lying to try to obtain custody of our kids.  Which caused me to stammer and stutter and be unable to communicate with the mediator well.  I still got 60% custody, even without full sentences and completely acting defensively throughout.

And thirdly, I made it through a trip to Colorado for my baby sister's wedding.  My family causes massive meltdowns and anxiety. Again, I was out a week's worth of pay for the trip.  And I ended up making my sister an amazingly clever gift.

So those are wins.

But tonight, sitting alone and coloring obsessively at the bar for my favorite past time,karaoke, I can't even look the DJ in the eye, nor can I sing. Which is an outlet for me.  Karaoke makes me calm. Soothes me.  And I can't talk or leave my seat.  And it's because of a mild disagreement with the ex before I left the house.  His actions ripped away my ability to be social tonight. I'm only still here out of sheer willpower to try to salvage some part of the night.

But all I want to do is cry.

I couldn't sit with my group of friends.  Even thinking about it made my chest tight and heart beat faster. Tears poked from my eyes, and my nose started to run.   Great. So I sat. Alone. With a freshly purchased sketch book and colored pencils. 

The DJ came over. Gave me a hug. My friends came over after they noticed I was here. I got a hug. I couldn't speak. That part sucks.  They all asked what was wrong and it's tiring to explain.  I shouldn't have to.  And they mean well. They do.  But I just want to be alone.  Accepted for me.  For my inability to speak when I'm upset.  For my quirks.

I need touch. I need touch so badly.   But I currently can't rely on anyone to give me touch regularly and because of that I am hardening myself. Living without it.  I have to.  I have to be self sufficient. I have to deal with it.

But man. I am so.  So.  So.  Overwhelmed.