It Hits Hard...

I was contacted about a job today.  I had sent my resume to a couple of local clinics that I knew were hiring.  I sent a full, three paragraph cover letter stating my intentions as a relief technician.  I included a single page resume, stating my desire to be a relief technician.  And the lady emailed me and said she'd love for me to work at her emergency hospital and how soon can I start.....?

My heart broke.  I don't ever turn down interviews or jobs.  I am a lucky girl.  I am very good at what I do, and I am oddly able to land just about any job I want.  If the Man had been home, and able to let me have an evening and weekend schedule, I would have jumped at the chance to get my VTS in ECC and become a dignified and respected member of the veterinary community again.

I had to decline.  I explained that I understood her desires and needs, and that I would love to help her out.  However, i am a single mother with no family or free sitters, and I can only work during the day and during the week.  So thank you, but I have to respectfully decline.

She emailed me back.  How about weekend days?  Just Saturday and Sunday.  Shifts are 12 hours.

No, sweetie, you don't get it.  Monday through Friday.  And only when the kids have school.  I can't.  Perhaps I can take a shift or two at the day practice once in a while, though I don't do dentals.  I would be happy to give a lecture to your staff about emergency procedures for the day practice.

Am I sure I can't work at the Emergency hospital?

Yes, I am sure.  My heart is breaking and I am crying at this point.  I want nothing more than to go back to my bliss.  My vocation.  My addiction that is veterinary medicine.  But I can't.

And I hate to say this because it makes me sound like an attention whore, but I posted on both of my facebook pages....and haven't had a single comment.  Maybe my friends are all asleep.....but I don't have anyone at the house that can comfort me.  All I have is the platitudes from the internet.  And I can't even get that.  I am as lost and alone as I have been for months, and now I am feeling even more inadequate.

All of these skills and fine motor movements I have developed over years and years of precision and routine.  Going to waste.

I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow.  I just want to lie there like the barnacle I am. 

But I will rise, and be productive, because it is expected of me and 'healthy.'  Maybe.  If this headache doesn't turn into a migraine.  I have a blurry spot in my eye.